I Developed Anxiety from a Toxic Relationship
I developed anxiety from a toxic relationship. I did not even know what anxiety was and how the body felt when one was going through an anxiety attack. However, every time I would feel that anxiety, I knew it was not something that I always had…it was something that was triggered by emotional manipulation, cheating and endless lies.
Whenever I would pick up my phone to call him, my anxiety would hit a 10 as I feared he would not pick up. My heart rate would increase, I would breathe rapidly, my hand would tremble, I would feel tense, and develop a sense of impending danger. I would also experience these symptoms whenever he came to visit or when I was going to see him, and the anxiety progressed until I would one or more of the signs whenever I was with him.
I had fears of making mistakes because I felt that his cheating was somehow my fault, that I was not a perfect girlfriend. I feared making mistakes because I believed my partner would perceive me poorly, which always triggered anxiety. I felt that if I did not cook well, wash his clothes, lend him money, call all the time, he would leave and stay with another woman. This anxiety was so deep that I went overboard and gave my everything to him when I was receiving the bare minimum.
My anxiety was also fueled by his words and actions. Whenever I caught him cheating, which a couple of times, he would always put the blame on me. He would say that he cheated because I did not send him money, call him, had issues, or because he did not feel loved in the relationship. Therefore, I would take all the blame and try to do and act like he wanted so that he would not cheat or lie, but everything he said was pure emotional manipulation. Because no matter what I said or how perfectly I acted, he still cheated over and over again.
I did not realize I had anxiety until the day I walked away and learnt about the behavior of a narcissist and the impact they have on your physical and emotional health. I could not be my full self with him, and I was always compromising the health of my body because of the relationship. The fear of not wanting to displease him, the drive to make him feel special, and the constant worries about everything finally had a toll on my emotional health, leading to my anxiety.
Always being on high alert led to my nervous and endocrine system disruption as I was literally torturing my body to appease someone else.
Finally, I had to let go, and I have been receiving therapy to manage, deal, and function with anxiety. I am a work in progress, but I no longer ignore warning signs. You may not know what anxiety is, but your body will let you know when some of its reactions are not normal. I let myself down when I stayed in a relationship that gave me anxiety. It is up to you to notice the signs and seek help. Do not stay in a relationship tortures you physically and gives you anxiety because you want to please a person who gives you nothing and takes everything.
Abusive and toxic relationships cause anxiety, so do not let anyone minimize your feelings. Learn the signs of anxiety and seek help before it consumes you. Commit yourself to heal because even though you have developed anxiety, you have the power to heal and live a normal life.
