Emotional Abuse: It Is Not Your Shame to Carry
We easily talk about physical abuse in relationships and ignore emotional abuse, which comes with in-depth shame and worthlessness. After being emotionally abused by a person I deeply loved, I found myself riddled with shame. The lies, the cheating, the gaslighting, the disrespect, and the pure contempt robbed me of my joyous smile, and in came emptiness and shame.
I carried this shame heavily whenever I met our mutual friends who knew what he had done. This shame walked with me to work, to family visits, in the shower, while eating, in my dreams, and even in my laughter. I did not feel deserving of joy, and my mind no longer carried the memories of when I was shame-free. I lost the joy within me and was angry at everything in life because I felt that somehow I deserved every inch of what he did. Eventually, my whole existence was covered in shame, and I just did not know how to get rid of it.
This shame of emotional abuse is what most survivors do not know how to get rid of even through their journey of healing. We carry the shame of being treated badly by someone who should have loved and respected us. We do not understand their reasons for the cheating and the lies when all we did was love them in our own best way. This shame cuts deep, even though it is not ours to carry.
It took all my strength to get rid of the shame that wasn’t mine to carry. It took opening my eyes to the actions of this person I deeply loved. And this did not happen in a day. I slowly understood that he was a selfish person. I remembered how he lied with a broad smile on his face. I remember when he admitted his emotional abuse was because he did not want me to leave him. I remember him trying to convince himself that he was not a bad person when his actions that hurt me badly were repetitive and intense. And when I voiced my hurt feelings, he would go ahead and do the same hurtful things over and over again. Looking at this objectively helped me realize I was carrying the shame of an emotional abuser.
Bit by bit, I started undressing my body and my existence of shame by writing about it in my journal. The writing was my way of speaking. I wrote and spoke about it to my friends and to my higher power, who is God. I started getting back my light and joy and glowing energy. I started filling my empty shell with what I used to love as I remembered my life before I let shame take it away. I read more about emotional abusers and understood his actions. I learned how to let go by gathering this cloud of blackness, which was my shame, and throwing it back at my abuser. I provided myself with forgiveness for the ways I harmed myself with shame. I became more self-compassionate by treating myself in a loving, kind, and supportive manner. This journey is bumpy, and survivors need compassion as their antidote to shame. The most important thing I did is to start healing my shame.
My recovery from shame is still ongoing. But it is no longer a dark cloud in my life. It is a subject and emotion I understand and deal with when it comes, which is less often. The most important thing you can do for yourself as a survivor is to start healing your shame.
Shame can only exist in silence and in the false image we have of our abuser. So please talk about the shame, voice it, and look at your abuser’s actions objectively no matter how hard this can be. Look at the selfishness, the narcissism, and the lies, and accept that your abuser’s actions have all to do with his nature and nothing to do with your light. And then carry the shame and hand it back to who it rightfully belongs to.
It is and was never your shame to carry.
